My ex-husband died last year. He had not been in good health – I’d seen the decline over a number of years – but it was still unexpected. While he was quite a few years older than I am, and we were divorced for nearly 20 years, we had maintained a friendly relationship for most of that time. It was important to us both to stay connected for the children, and grandchildren.
I flew back to our hometown right away, to pay my respects to my friend and former partner, but mainly to be there for whatever support I could give to my grown son and daughter. His other children were there, and we were able to reconnect, perhaps improving on one broken relationship. I think my friend would have approved.
Why do I bring this up so many months later? Because after all the dust settled, I learned he held onto things which brought him pain when our relationship ended. Things which, if shared with others, would have given a very one-sided view of the end of a relationship, making him appear to be a wounded hero with me as the villain.
It certainly was not a well-rounded picture of what the relationship was at the end. It contained nothing of the pain inflicted by him – only of what he was able to obtain through stalking me. Literally. He stalked me for months. I knew it, and it was all I could do to get through the days during that time without going insane.
The events and attitudes that brought about the end of the relationship are complex and evolved over time. I vowed not to talk about that any more years ago, because I forgave him for his role in it, and I put it behind me. Still, it was quite a shock to learn he had held onto things which could have – and may have – left a misleading impression behind.
So the reason for leaving this message, for anyone who finds it, is – if you want to leave a time bomb to blow up on someone because you don’t have the guts to do it while you’re around, be very explicit and clear about it. Write it up and leave no doubt. Don’t leave a hazy, confusing, hurtful mess for your children to find.
If you have no malice toward others, but simply can’t be bothered to throw anything out, at least think about how things you leave behind appear to someone who has to go through them. Leave behind messages that uplift others.
I have about 4 boxes of memorabilia which have traveled all over the country with me as I’ve moved around. You can bet I’ll be going through them to make sure they contain no time bombs!
Peace.