As Mother’s Day approaches, I think about the impact my mother has had on the lives of her children and grandchildren. Being one of Nancy’s kids had drawbacks:
- When answering the phone, we had to be way more polite than necessary (we thought). “She’s not home” was considered rude. “She isn’t home right now, but may I give her a message?” was mandatory. There were a lot of these phrases we had to use.
- As a teenager, I wasn’t allowed to wear shorts to town. If you grew up in the South back then, you know what that means.
- Backtalking or whining wasn’t tolerated very well by Mom, but God help us if Daddy was home when it happened. Being disrespectful to our mother was a sure way to get spanked and grounded.
- If we started something, we had to finish it. Committing to an activity or a group meant you had to follow through and give it your best shot.
- We had to go to church – a LOT!
I’m sure I can think of other disadvantages if I spend more time on it. What I dwell on much more often is how it felt when Mom encouraged us or defended us.
For the most part, Mom’s natural charm and willingness to volunteer her help smoothed our way through school. I spent one unfortunate year in a private school where the teacher, for reasons still unknown to me, strongly disliked a couple of 9-year-olds – my best friend and me. While I’ve blocked out most of it, Mom remembers being up at the school at least monthly to challenge the young teacher. We toughed it out for that one year, and then she yanked me out and back to our local public school. The horrible year was followed by a heavenly year, and we were back on track. The lovely teacher who gave us wonderful life lessons in 5th grade also taught my brother during her last year of service. She changed his life as much as she did mine, although in very different ways.
Mom would charge into any situation and confront a teacher, a preacher, or even a bullying kid’s mother if she felt it necessary. Once, during a ladies’ bridge game while several kids (including me) were playing down the hall, the stressed-out hostess snapped at me when the noise level called her away to investigate. I remember bursting into tears and seeing Mom walk in behind her. After a few quiet words with her friend, she gathered my brother and me and left, It’s one of those vignettes that stayed with me over time, mainly because a) she rescued me, and b) she used the situation to teach me about forgiveness.
I did forgive her, and years later that sweet lady later hosted a lovely bridal shower for me.
Although we attended a church with strict rules on behavior which included no dancing and separate classes for boys and girls from the age of 12, Mom modified any rule she felt was a hindrance to a well-rounded life. I was allowed to attend most social activities available to me in our small town, and I’ve always been grateful for not being restricted to the lame alternatives some of my friends had to endure. Well, I still had to GO to the dumb Valentine’s Day “banquet” (we dressed up in formal wear and sat around in the church fellowship hall with punch and snacks), but I could also go to the Valentine’s Day DANCE, date, party, etc.
The leniency of her rules regarding social interaction was largely caused by her own strict upbringing. Although I’ve never known the details, Mom rebelled against her parents, sneaking around at times. She never wanted her children to have to do that. Likewise, she WAS the after-school daycare for her siblings, as well as the dinner cook and housekeeper. This molded her into a mother determined to let her kids be kids.
- Cultivating our talents was enthusiastically promoted. I played piano, and Mom always thought I’d be Miss America. Although I didn’t have the talent, background, or disposition for pageants (came in 2nd in a 2-person category for Miss Farm Bureau when I was 15 – ’nuff said!), her belief in me gave me confidence beyond my years, and a willingness to put myself out there to try new things. Incidentally, I’m very glad she didn’t let me quit piano lessons in mid-year when I hit a plateau at age 9.
- My brother has always had the timing of a stand-up comedian, and a quick mind and tongue that has brought many a family meal to a halt with belly-cramping, gasping-for-breath laughter. Iced tea can really come out of your nose. Mom knew his gifts were special, and different from anyone else’ in the family. His relationship with her is loving and close.
- Little sister – now over 40, which is hard to believe – has the ability to talk to Mom in a way no one else does. They see eye-to-eye on many things, and they encourage each other over hurdles and through tough times. They’re probably the most alike of any of us, and I love seeing their closeness.
The odds were against my mother. Becoming a first-time wife and mother at 17, living with a mother-in-law struggling to deal with harsh realities, as well as the silent treatment from her own father – how difficult that time must have been! She overcame those obstacles in time, showering love and respect on them, and teaching all of us again about forgiveness. As a baby, I became her companion, and she spent many hours each day with me. I learned to read and write at the age of four. She cultivated my natural independence and gently pushed me to overcome hyper-sensitivity. Developing a thicker skin may have been the best thing she ever helped me achieve!
Today, Nancy’s kids all have families. My older child has a family of her own, as well. While I have never been as strong and focused a mother as my own mom, I know her influence made me much better than I could have achieved on my own. I smile when I see my daughter with her children, growing into that focused, passionate mother so similar to mine. Her kids will benefit from Nancy’s influence, too.
Over time, my relationship with Mom has changed. We’ve been friends for years, giving advice to each other from our respective areas of experience. I’m more grateful than I can say to still have her at the other end of the phone. Happy Mother’s Day, Mama!